I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize