So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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