your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
