remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
time to smoke my breakfast
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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