Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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