I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
