his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
