Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
