so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
