If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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