I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
