can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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