Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
