Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
