she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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