I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
