i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
