I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
