When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
