his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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