He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
