I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
