Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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