im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
