I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
the raccoons are back...
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