She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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