why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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