Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I love having hate sex.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
