Betty ford says i'm here all night
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
