i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
