Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
