I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
