Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
