John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize