The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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