Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize