Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
