So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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