i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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