just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
