So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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