I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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