can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Randomize
