apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
