I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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