The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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