I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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