The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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