party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
