We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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