Define "chronic" masturbator.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
