I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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