I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
