he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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