Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
