My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
