On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
