I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
